Saturday, February 26, 2011


SO I had a fight with my friend today. I probably didn't help it but was under a lot of stress today, I was upset because my boyfriend couldn't come out for dinner with my family because he was ill and I was upset and frustrated because I was spending the day helping my granny who has Alzheimer's disease, this gets tiring and upsetting as I don't know what she is trying to say to me. So I was not in the best of moods.

It was over something stupid. I lost something of hers 2 months ago, I was upset and embarrassed for losing it so offered to replace it the next day but was told not to worry and that these things happen. I got a text today from her giving out to me for losing it and how she loved it. It escalated.

It's just another challenge that made me think about myself. I don't fight often with people, it's not something I'm good at or familiar with and I'm a bit of a coward, but I did today. I get confused on how to separate the feelings of anger the defensive emotions and the compassion for the other persons problems too. It's so difficult for me. I fought because I was scared of getting the blame for something which I felt wasn't my fault, if I didn't have fear for what people thought of me would I defend myself? Why did I feel the need to prove her wrong and by doing so point out her mistakes? Surely if fear controls the fight she will reciprocate the feelings of anger and defense? Then nobody gets anywhere.

It's hard to let someone give you constructive criticism. It's something that spurs that automatic defense system to argue back against it. But why? If that person is close to you they're not trying to hurt you, why should there be fear? Maybe it's the fear of being honest with yourself. When you realize or recognize the bad qualities in yourself it's natural to want to change them. Change, however, is not accepted easily. We're scared of change. We fear it. Change means the unknown and we don't like the unknown. Again, we fear it.

Are we governed by fear? If not, then by what?

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