UGH.

SO I had a fight with my friend today. I probably didn't help it but was under a lot of stress today, I was upset because my boyfriend couldn't come out for dinner with my family because he was ill and I was upset and frustrated because I was spending the day helping my granny who has Alzheimer's disease, this gets tiring and upsetting as I don't know what she is trying to say to me. So I was not in the best of moods.

It was over something stupid. I lost something of hers 2 months ago, I was upset and embarrassed for losing it so offered to replace it the next day but was told not to worry and that these things happen. I got a text today from her giving out to me for losing it and how she loved it. It escalated.

It's just another challenge that made me think about myself. I don't fight often with people, it's not something I'm good at or familiar with and I'm a bit of a coward, but I did today. I get confused on how to separate the feelings of anger the defensive emotions and the compassion for the other persons problems too. It's so difficult for me. I fought because I was scared of getting the blame for something which I felt wasn't my fault, if I didn't have fear for what people thought of me would I defend myself? Why did I feel the need to prove her wrong and by doing so point out her mistakes? Surely if fear controls the fight she will reciprocate the feelings of anger and defense? Then nobody gets anywhere.

It's hard to let someone give you constructive criticism. It's something that spurs that automatic defense system to argue back against it. But why? If that person is close to you they're not trying to hurt you, why should there be fear? Maybe it's the fear of being honest with yourself. When you realize or recognize the bad qualities in yourself it's natural to want to change them. Change, however, is not accepted easily. We're scared of change. We fear it. Change means the unknown and we don't like the unknown. Again, we fear it.

Are we governed by fear? If not, then by what?

Happiness?

I find myself thinking about happiness a lot lately. I used to be trapped in a bubble..in a sense which I mean I had a shallow unrealistic outlook on life. I thought everyone was happy and it was easy to see past problems and enjoy life. Part of this was because I've been brought up in a very good home and have had very little problems to deal with(Thank God) I never thought that other people might not have the same outlook or the same life. Which was pretty inconsiderate of me.

This all changed when I met a certain someone.He taught me to look into life differently and when I did that it hit me like a train, I saw the selfishness and ugliness in people, I saw all the terrible things in the world, and the emotions that people felt. It was horrible, but after a while it helped me to understand myself as I did the same with my own life. I started looking into the bad parts of myself. The selfishness and ugliness was in me too. And after a while I began to notice..I don't know myself or am very honest with myself either.


I noticed that happiness is harder to obtain than it seems. I thought if I had the perfect boyfriend, the nicest clothes, the friends, all the attention in the world it would satisfy that craving. It did for a while but then it goes again. It's not easy at all to obtain happiness. I realised You cant be happy or enjoy anything unless you're happy in yourself
It's a bizzare thought but I really think it's correct. When you're miserable it's impossible to enjoy anything.

I find my happiness in God, and I know this might not be every one's cup of tea but he has a huge influence on my happiness. When I started being honest with myself I couldn't console in my friends and family for fear of judgement but I could turn to God, he made me after all:) He knows my emotions far better than myself or anyone else. I knew I was safe with him and feeling safe is a very important part of relationships. He taught me to love myself, and that I'm loved every moment of the day. He gave me a security and I trust him with everything. Happiness is difficult to obtain and I don't know what will make me happy. But God does. He wont guide me wrong. The selfishness in me and ugliness in me that I'm ashamed of is OK and through love God will help me change that. I'm not perfect and that's OK! This phenomenal thought blows me away and fills me with the happiness I long for. God is the answer for me. The materialistic world we live in though can take over sometimes and I vear and get caught up with this whirlwind of a world and I forget about God and think "I don't need you, I'm happy and you're to difficult to stay close to" and everytime this happens I come back to him looking for forgiveness and I'm welcomed back into his biig huggable arms, he's a cuddly fella. So God,if you're reading this. Thank you, I know we havn't been talking much at the moment but I love you an awful lot and i'm excited to talk to you when I get into bed in a few moments.

X

In the begining

My name is................I'm 17, soon to be 18. Currently studying for my leaving cert, which is made out to be the biggest thing you will ever do. So I am always under the pressure that I "should" be studying. After school I want to hopefully become a youth leader.

I remember when I was younger and everyone would say that the teenage years are the best of your life, and it kind of makes me worry because as much as I am enjoying them, I can't help but wonder.."so these are the best?" I look around every day at all the damage that is done in the lifes of people my age and it continues on with them. I think that they are the most vunerable years and the most frightning. Things stay with people for life if they arn't sorted and emotion that is hidden becomes bottled. I would really like to help girls like me and boys my age when im old enough and hopefully wise enough, because my youth leaders have really made an impact on my life and I feel it's important for the future.

I guess I really don't expect anyone to read this and i'm not saying my name which is why I am being so honest. It's normally not something I would be comfortable doing other than with the people that know me most because i'm not scared they will judge me. But that is everyones fear, which is why they judge others. It's always easier to be angry than vunerable.

X